Dominic Cummings signs petition to sack himself


Reports are surfacing that the online petition at demanding Dominic Cummings’ sacking has been signed by the cackling panto villain himself.

During a run-of-the-mill week of being above the law the PM’s chief adviser has also claimed he will ‘resign in six months’, rendering the petition itself redundant rather than himself.

Whilst there has been widespread disbelief at the seemingly self-destructive act, a Downing Street insider witnessing the event claimed Mr Cummings thought it would be ‘a good laugh’, putting his hand across his face whilst pressing ‘Sign this petition’, saying: ‘Oh, my eyes must need testing’. Mr Cummings then left the room, uttering: ‘they can’t say I’m out of touch with the f***ing public mood now’.

As the petition numbers hit one million and steadily climbed towards two million actual signatures and sixty million potential signatures, allegedly the notoriety went to the chief advisor’s head. Utilising his love of ‘super-forecasting’ to predict a future that he believes he will not actively participate in, Mr Cummings sent a memo around Downing Street and GCHQ urging everyone to ‘f***ing sign it, or else’.

It’s understood a relatively small number of Mr Cummings’ colleagues and Tory ministers haven’t as yet signed the petition, thereby effectively signing their own dismissal petitions.

“Dominic’s seeing the petition as an election; a weird form of ‘Britain’s Got Machiavellian Talent’ with no judges and only one contestant.” explained the insider. “It’s being fuelled by that game of Constitutional Cluedo he won; where public trust was suffocated in the Rose Garden by Spad Blue, stuffing a carefully legalled statement down its throat.”

The Downing Street source also revealed: “Mr Cummings told the PM to sign the petition. He initially refused, saying: ‘The people won’t believe me’. Boy, did we howl!”

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Posted: May 31st, 2020 by

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