Realising the impractical nature of rolling out a tracing system without a fast processing infrastructure, the Health Secretary has agreed to smell the anus of every person displaying Covid-like symptoms. These tests will not actually reveal who has had the virus, but it will at least keep Matt busy.
An aide to Mr. Hancock explained: ‘Every anal gland has a distinct odour, which only dogs and Matt Hancock can detect. So far, he has a 20% accuracy rate; less than a coin toss, admittedly, but on the upside, he has started dating a St. Bernard’.
The Health Secretary will go town to town, sniffing out the infected and those who have not paid their TV licence. For an encore he will detect gas-leaks, witchcraft and the smell of Old Spice.
Anyone who thinks they have Covid-19 should report immediately to Mr. Hancock but do not wash – he likes it like that. Asked if Mr. Hancock’s budget Track and Trace policy can work, one scientist observed: ‘Something smells fishy.’