And they’re off….Newsbiscuit’s guide to the restart of horse racing

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Horse racing restarts today in the UK after a break of nearly 2 and a half months. Our crack team of pundits (and some old Nags) at Newsbiscuit give you the lowdown on all the runners in today’s big race – the Covid-19 handicap:

Cummings and Goings –  a known stayer, thought to have clocked up hundreds of miles galloping round Northern courses during lockdown. Alleged eyesight problem not something to be genuinely concerned about. Hates people though, so this one will be blinkered. 7/2

Gove’s Gallop – known for quick turn of foot under pressure but looked wooden when facing Burley’s Brickbat in the recent SkyBet chase 4/1

Bojos Mojo – poor form for a long while and increasingly erratic. Easily beaten by Kuennsberg’s Tongue last 2 times out. Known to favour stud work which he has been undertaking for some years. 7/1 (ratio of children to father)

Flatten the Curve  – promised much when first presented to the crowds in March but results continue to hugely disappoint. 8/1

Cheltenham Folly  – disappointed many with appearance in March. Huge mistake that felled many others around him  10/1

Hancock’s Half Arse – one trick pony who has fallen at the first in each of his last 12 outings. Weighing irregularities rumoured after disappointing in the Testing and PPE stakes. No reason to be taken seriously but remains bookie’s favourite, after all they’ve donated £100 grand to his stable over the last year. Evens Favourite

Second Wave – habit of sneaking up when other riders relax their guard. Expected to go big this summer. 3/1

Bournemouth Beach – Hugely popular with occasional punters but expert tipsters warn against staking too much on it. Like your life, for example. 10/1

Vaccine Boy – Likely to be a strong contender next year, but this year’s outing could be too early for him. 50/1

Priti Petal. A fiesty little mare who is always chomping at the bit, known to go the distance. 300 and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand to one.

Stayinyourbubble – Initial promise, but hard to read. 12/1

Herd Immunity – Strong ante-post favourite, now weighed down by the handicappers and no longer fancied. Organisers now denying he was ever under consideration. 28/1

Prof’s Delight – fabulous at the off, strong performance around the curve, but distracted by a filly mid-race, unlikely to finish. 50/1

Track’n’Trace – nowhere to be seen at the start of previous outing, uncertain performance, bit hit and miss, but some punters betting the House on this one. 10/11 (estimated R value)

SAGE Advice – well respected, but jockey always blames this horse when he loses. 10/1

Jenrick’s Joust. Never heard of her. 16/1

The Economy – Non-runner. Fell at first fence in last outing and has since been humanely destroyed (No more bets taken)

Bigly Bunker Boy – Magnificent blinkered orange beast in all-white colours. Often ridden by Putin and has a tendency to veer to the right. Already won. Fact! 9/1

Test Daily – From same stable as ‘Get Brexit Done’ and ‘I Did What Any Good Father Would Do’. No chance of being fit for purpose due to being a panto horse. 200,000/1.

Guinea Kid – Four-year old novice in first race of day. Likely to congregate and became lame. 1 and another 1 and another 1 to 1 and another 1 and another 1 and a gazillion.

Dishy Rishi – once highly favoured doe eyed youngster but increasingly looks like a spent force.  Struggles to distinguish between furlong and furlough  66/1

Clippety Klopp – decent, direct front runner. Rivals hoping for a Crisp-like capitulation. Could he be hobbled in the final furlong? 80/1

Whitty And Vallance – Dogged stayer, not known as front runner, but better at handling the hurdles than Bojo’s Mojo. Surprise refusal recently when asked to play supporting role to Cummings and Goings. 20/1

Rampant Raabit – known for sloppy performances, struggled at Dover last season. 300/1

Multiple Mis-Shapps – clings to the rails. Trained by Michael Green, Owned by How to Corp. 50/1

Staying Alert – bit of a dark horse, not popular with the punters, bookies, trainers, runners, riders. 100/1 outsider

Durdle Tombstone – A risky proposition but ability to come in fast should not be underestimated. 200/1

Bleach Boy – Owned by Donald Trump. Highly temperamental and has failed all drug tests so far. Likely to return to the stables at the drop of a hat if the going gets tough. 8/1

Barnard Castle – A firm favourite with Northern punters and said to be a hidden gem. If spotted by local constabulary may be told to return to the paddock for the most minor of infractions. 3/1

Naughty Nigel – ironically, a bit of a dark horse, this one. Popular in recent years, but has done a runner of late. Expected to attempt a come-back later this year, though should really be given both barrels as a kindness. 52/48

Corbyn’s Trouser Press – knackered old stallion, never really got going, and tended to Trot in last every time. Popular for a while, but thought by many to be fucking useless. Has now been put out to grass, 1000/1

Starmer’s Stint – Same stable as Corbyn’s trouser press, but similarities end there. Promising start, but tendency to veer towards middle of track will put some off. Couple of early wins over Bojo’s Mojo over the jumps at Westminster. Sterner tests to come, hence the long face.

Donkey Donald – lumbering old yellow carthorse, keeps close to the right fence. Known for taking illegal shortcuts, covering the odd filly en route, and changing the rule book. Surprisingly popular; very surprisingly. Even when he loses, he still wins. Evens

Social Distance – deserves to be more widely respected, crowded out during last outing to Brighton. 33/1

Virtual Meeting  – By Zoom out of Necessity, promises much but rarely delivers, tends to drop out if things get interesting 50/1

Devon Loch Down – liable to not only ignore starters orders but also blow the Grand National in spectacular
fashion. Rank outsider 25,000/1

Non-runner: Fakeob Rees-Mogg – awful on the flats. Lame.

 

Contributions by chrisf, ron cawleyoni, Sinnick, SteveB, Max Stars, SimonJJames, Sir Lupus, Oxbridge, oshaughnessy, titus, Al Opecia, DavidH, Midfield Diamond.

 

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Posted: Jun 1st, 2020 by

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