The Government has launched its contact-tracking app designed to help control the spread Covid-19, with its principal technology based on the time-honoured model used across schoolyards to warn others about touching the girl with fleas.
The app, which is available via the App Store, on detecting transmission instructs the user to self-isolate for a fortnight, or hometime, whichever comes first. If you fail to do so, the girl with coronavirus is your girlfriend.
The public has been asked to be on their guard about not only the girl with coronavirus, but also any secondary carriers infected via contact with the girl with coronavirus.
An expert behind the app told us: ‘We discovered that the manner of transit of Covid-19 is remarkably similar to the transit of fleas in a typical classroom – that is, if you touch the girl with coronavirus, or something she touched, you have coronavirus, and further transition is possible. Similar to your average flea carrier, coronavirus carriers are characterised by glasses, freckles and wiry ginger hair where conditions are optimum for the fleas to breed and gestate.’
He added: ‘If anyone comes into contact with a girl with coronavirus, or a person who has touched her, the best course of action is to alert others by pointing at them and saying ‘errrr — you have coronavirus’, before running away.
However, scientists have denied rumours that the virus can be detected through fumes in the atmosphere, warning the public that ‘he who smelt it surely dealt it’.