In a statement today, London’s burglars have stated their intent to return to work next week but have outlined back to work measures they would like the public to also stick to.
“As people have been staying home more”, began the statement, “we have obviously found far less opportunity to steal from your houses. However, as lockdown eases we would like to assure you that our quality, world class burglary service will commence again at one minute past midnight, Monday 8th June.
However we would like to assure the general public that we will be redouble our efforts to wear the appropriate masks and gloves and will carry disinfectant spray whenever possible. For our customers’ safety, we will be temporarily be suspending the common practice of leaving a calling card turd on your carpet.
We would ask that if members of the public come into contact with any of our members at work, please maintain a polite 5m distance until the transaction is swiftly concluded. Police officers, please maintain a 50m distance. We will ensure that all our dealings are done safely and that we will comply with Government measures such as ‘Stay at Home’ (as in your home for a bit); ‘Stay Alert’ (with you coming back early); and complying with a safe work environment (and stealing the things in it).
Let’s all get back to normal as soon as we can. If you can, please leave a window open on Monday and go and clap somewhere else for London’s burglars.”