With the English Premier League returning to our screens on June 17th, let’s catch up how our teams have been spending the lockdown.
Arsenal – The Arsenal squad haven’t been sitting on their hands during this time of crisis! Mikel Arteta and his squad have been busy wiring and staging a Rock Opera about a Patio Furniture Manufacturing firm that was a hotbed for trainspotters in the 70s.
Aston Villa – With Villa in trouble in the league, they used their time constructively to solidify their place in the world by invading and annexing Madagascar. They have successfully applied to have their home games played there for the rest of the season.
Bournemouth – Eddie Howe and his squad set a new world record by attempting to complete the World’s largest jigsaw. A 1:1 scale representation of Charminster, a suburb of Bournemouth, with nearly a billion pieces. They’re about 80% complete so far, so hurry up Eddie!!
Brighton & Hove Albion – A very productive break for Potter’s men. They formed a research team to figure out a clean and economic way to harness nuclear fusion to deliver cheap energy to the world. They’re not quite there yet but they have rendered parts of Hove extremely radioactive resulting in a number of emergency evacuations.
Burnley – Sean Dyche and his young charges have offered themselves as muscle for local gangs. They’ve ensured that the Burnley Black Market has run efficiently and unfairly throughout the crisis. Mob bosses have expressed admiration, some saying they don’t know how they would’ve done it without them.
Chelsea – Slightly less productive than most Premier League teams, Chelsea used the off-period to hibernate in Northern Canada. They’re due to wake up in a week or so no doubt refreshed for the season to come. Ngolo Kante drew the short straw and was on guard outside the team’s luxury cave.
Crystal Palace – From the South London home, Crystal Palace as a whole has taken up knitting and has produced over a million scarves, 1000s of jumpers and even 100s of pairs of socks. All of them in the traditional colours of red and blue.
Everton – With an uncertain future predicted, Everton retreated to their underwater training base in the Pacific and have remained there since mid-March. No one knows what’s happening to them but rumour has it they’re trying to breed humans with gills! Fun!
Leicester City – Leicester, as always, got stuck into the crisps and the players are all wildly out of shape. Brendan Rogers has employed the services of Mr Motivator to get them back to the level expected but first someone has to coax the startled and confused squad down from a tree.
Liverpool – The Champions in all but name have been keeping themselves busy by attempting to find concrete evidence of UFOs in the FBI’s research vaults in Quantico, Virginia. James Milner, busy as ever, came closest but in the end all he found was a silver frisbee.
Manchester City – City have spared no expense and sent all their players to the International Space Centre to help the scientists with their research. So far they’ve accidentally found out that David Silva can breathe in space following a botched spacewalk!
Manchester United – The Red Devils have been indulging in a spot of otherworld incantation during their time off. They’ve successfully summoned a demon but he’s taken residence in Luke Shaw. Luke is now likely to be out for the rest of the season whilst he is de-possessed.
Newcastle United – The Geordies have been busy installing an underground Fight Club at St James’ Park and so far it looks like it’s a roaring success. Steve Bruce is very pleased with progress and looks set to bring down global capitalism with the next few months.
Norwich City – The Canaries have been very busy during the break by reclaiming 5 square kilometres of land from the sea in North Norfolk and opening a nature reserve. So far the stocks of Herons and Storks have been raised 200% and Puffins may even make a return.
Sheffield United – The Blades have declared war on….non-recyclable plastics! They managed to make their outfit 100% sustainable in a matter of weeks and now are turning their productive efforts on the rest of the City. The only place not responding is Sheffield Wednesday. I suspect a riot!
Southampton – Bit of an odd one for Southampton really, they all managed to get sucked into the Matrix and have been missing for a little while. I’m sure they’ll be back for the start of the season after they have saved reality for the rest of us.
Tottenham Hotspur – Spurs have attempted to watch the whole of Netflix! And they’re getting pretty close. They are only about 4000 hours of TV away from completing it and should be done in time for the season. Their favourite so far: Spy Kids 3!
Watford – The Watford players, as a whole, attempted to begin a bizarre career as a huge k-pop boyband. They had moderate success with songs “We are the Hornets” and a cover of Elton John’s “Nikita” but ultimately were downed by a undocumented scandal involving a kimchi incident.
West Ham United – The happy Hammers tried to provide a community dog grooming service but were a little enthusiastic with their shearing. Currently, most dogs in East London are pretty bald and there are lot of unhappy customers. Sorry, no refunds Cockneys!
Wolverhampton Wanderers – The Wolves got off to a slow start as Bounty Hunters but now are doing a great job in rounding up the country’s criminals. Whilst they may not be ready for the start of the season, they’ve reduced the national crime rate by 13%!