The government’s ongoing plan for a phased return to schools while still obeying social distancing requirements are ill-conceived and impractical, according to spokes-psychos representing school bullies. They have warned that unless schools are exempted from these restrictions, many traditional means of tormenting spackers and gaylords could die out.
‘Cyber-bullying has thrived during lockdown,’ said Mark ‘Stabber’ Grimshaw, 14, from Alderman Bagnall Comprehensive in Mansfield. ‘In fact, I’m on the Twitter feed of an insecure girl from my year right now. But – excuse me a minute, DIE U UGLY BITCH – it takes more than that to put the saddos in their place.’
Bullies have complained that the few Heath Robinson contraptions available for applying wedgies from two metres away are cumbersome at best, while flushing a ginger’s head down the toilet in the confined space of a cubicle is completely impossible. Without these sanctions, bumboys are increasingly unaffected by shouted abuse.
‘Arguably it’s even worse for girl bullies,’ said Grimshaw. ‘How are a group of ten girls meant to get in a circle and whisper about how Chloe in Year 8 is a fat lesbo slag if they have to stand two metres apart? I really don’t think the government has thought this one through.’
Responding on behalf of the government, Health Secretary Matt Hancock said: ‘We feel your pain. With the Commons itself observing social distancing, traditional sports like sarcastic putdowns, braying laughter and groping of women assistants are all in decline. We are committed to restoring normal levels of sociopathic superiority complexes as soon as we possibly can.’