The UK government has announced that a comprehensive stable door closing programme is due to start “soon”, while rejecting suggestions that it is a bit late as “people playing party politics”.
Reports of empty stables with horses having bolted have been circulating for several months and the government have finally promised decisive action “in the next few weeks”.
“We have taken this very seriously, right from the start, and after people had been telling us for some time that there were horses everywhere due to open stable doors we decided to talk to some scientists, so that if anything goes wrong we can blame them.” explained Boris Johnson.
“The scientists told us that horses are significantly less likely to bolt if stable doors are not left wide open. They showed us some graphs and everything. So, following the science, we will be implementing a world leading programme of stable door closing, not right away, but soon.”
“Just as soon as we’ve given any horses still inside stables with open doors ample opportunity to bolt. But then we’ll be right on with closing those doors.”
At PMQs Keir Starmer suggested that a better approach may be to immediately close any open stable doors where the horses were still inside, but to leave open doors where the horses needed to be put back in until they had been. Mr Johnson stared at him blankly for several seconds before recovering his composure, criticising a lack of unity from the Labour leader, saying something in Latin, and promising to “send open stable doors packing”.