Churches to open despite two-metre distancing from Jesus


The government responsible for a near-catastrophic covid-19 response has announced that churches and other places of worship are set to reopen from 15 June.

A taskforce including faith leaders was launched last month to develop a plan to enable the phased and safe reopening of religious buildings, beginning with Winfield House, the US ambassador’s residence, to enable the prime minister to safely indulge in his daily worship of tennis.

Communities Secretary Robert Jenrick explained: “People of all faiths have shown enormous patience and forbearance at Easter, Passover, Ramadan and Vaisakhi, resisting the urge to test their eyesight with friends and family in the manner endorsed by the prime minister.

On the subject of increased infection rates within Christianity in particular, Mr Jenrick said: “Of course the government acknowledge Jesus had a human body at one time and the Saviour may still possess a certain susceptibility to viral afflictions. We must assume that because of his multitude of followers Jesus potentially has an ‘R’ number of 3 billion and contact must therefore be regulated.

The Communities Secretary carefully explained the government’s predicament and finished by quoting official guidance for renewed congress with Christ:

“It’s possible Jesus may become a spiritual carrier – a super-duper-spreader. That beard is no substitute for a medical grade face mask. and the last thing this administration needs is a further ratings dip due to infecting Heaven with covid-19. Believers must therefore follow our strict guidelines for interaction with the Son of God:

“Despite always residing within believers’ hearts, Jesus will only be permitted to exist two metres outside their hearts. He must at all times be socially distant when spiritually within; engaging in a non-contaminating, outishy-in, sterile, platonic, non-contact, all-embracing love – that is everywhere, but not everywhere enough to cause a global second spike and trigger a general election through further loss of confidence in the government.”

“Consistency is key.”

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Posted: Jun 12th, 2020 by

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