Thanks to increased internet activity by locked down users worldwide, the internet is ‘dangerously near’ to being completely full. Streaming services are being warned to upload ‘light’ subject matter, and music platforms are already removing heavy metal and large orchestral works, as well as material involving Whales or territories ‘the same size as Wales’.
Meanwhile office workers have been asked to send fewer emails, with one company adopting a system for home workers in which they save their emails to individual thumb drives and send the drives to recipients in the ‘post’.
A worldwide campaign to save the internet has seen millions of people donating hard drives, SD cards and even ‘floppy’ discs as the world internet needle creeps toward the ‘full up’ mark, and technicians at top secret server locations in Arizona (just off Highway 169, turn left after Spiegelmann’s diner, right after 43 miles) are working round the clock and against time, as well. They wipe the storage media clean then hook them up to the main systems, and they say they are soldering on, day and night, 24/7/11 despite the lack of soldiering irons.
Tim Berner’s Smythe, who is in charge of the internet because he made it, explained ‘When I originally created the super highway of web, with the special HTML-E!™, (Hey That Makes Life – Easy!) function, only a handful of hippies and military personnel uploaded material. Both groups needed private communications systems to simultaneously destroy and save the world, possibly at the same time. It was only when the hippies and the soldiers started befriending each other online and dressing in each other’s clothes that we realised this was a force for good, and soon everyone was online, posting massive adorable elephant videos and clips from cartoon comedies involving anvils, not to mention documentaries about Hattie Jacques. When the Millennium Bugger made his or her appearance in the farsighted movie 2001 (the Lack of) Space Odyssey we should have seen the warning signs.’
Bernie Smythe continued: ‘Knowing the dangers, we encouraged animal lovers to limit themselves to uploads of images of kittens and intelligent mice, or funny insects. And we asked programme makers to avoid making documentaries on Channel 4 about people who weighed over 400 kilos, which in internet TV terms is a Terravision™. That’s a lot of high calorie bytes, and these differently weighted people aren’t going to get lighter any time soon, as greed sites like Deliver-ooh! Amazon Flesh and Uber-dumpling prosper thanks to lockdown.’
Mike and Bernie Winters revealed that far sighted New Zealand has now downloaded all .NZ material onto 10 CDR’s and will be largely unaffected by what many are calling The Internet Flood. This is a scenario in which the world wide highway.com.co.web bursts its banks and some countries find themselves knee deep in untreated data, some of it related to Prince Andrew’s total innocence of anything he can’t remember.
The adult industry sector could be worst hit and is having to adapt fast to new conditions. Hefty Throbbers, a globally popular masturbators’ site, has foregone HD 40K Virtual Reality movies and started to describe their specialised material in Word™ rich text™ format, to lessen the strain. HT’s Editor at Very Large said ‘There may be a silver lining. Many of our subscribers to ‘Hefty’ are severely literacy-challenged. The only way for them to access the truly massive amounts of material is for them to up their reading game. Trust us, we will not run out of words for ‘huge’. With high schools closed, this is a win for lockdown adult entertainment and education.’
How you can help the internet not fill up:
Weigh yourself before Zoom™ meetings. If you are officially obese, sit far away from the camera to minimise your on-screen image and shout into the microphone.
Avoid ‘heavy’ subjects on social media. Avoid online controversy, by not driving to the North East then writing an online article about it, causing major flooding on SM.
Do not watch Free Willy on Netflix or the old TV comedy when the man fantasizes his wife is a rhino.
Try drawing horses, camels or hippos in black charcoal, rather than sending full colour pictures of them to the Guardian that you took on exotic but ethical holidays, assuming you went to the airport by public transport, right?
Read tabloids online rather than broadsheets.
Write concisely, or use landlines to phone people up and read them out emails and texts, then delete them, having memorized them if important.
It’s not known when the internet will be completely full, but it is believed to be imminen
Hat tip SteveB