The nation is braced for a flood of top executives emptying offshore bank accounts to help bolster the recovery. Said one local greengrocer: ‘It’s exciting to have all these millionaires set to spend their tax-free cash in our little shop, spending all those big fat bonuses on the local community. I’m just yet to see one. It’s actually been pretty quiet. Maybe they’re just brushing up on two-metre rule or putting their swimming pool upgrades on hold?’
Replied one knighted CEO: ‘See, we told you funnelling all the cash into our bank accounts was a good idea. Now, does anybody know when Tool Station opens, I’ve got a £5m in petty cash burning a hole in my pocket. Admittedly, it should have been in your pocket, but hey.’
‘Only joking, if I wanted to buy something from one of your scummy High streets, I’d buy the street. Now f$ck off, I’ve got a yacht that needs sailing’.