UK bus service operators have slammed the government’s decision to allow wider use of public transport from Monday, saying it will cause timetable chaos if their vehicles have to stop to pick up more than two passengers again.
‘For months now our fleets have been running like clockwork,’ said Mike Lewisham, Head of First Bus. ‘Buses sailed serene and empty through the quiet streets, breaking punctuality records week after week. Now it seems those glory days are over.’
Train operators have different fears for the week ahead: ‘Yeah, sure, our trains have been running on time, well mostly,’ said TransPennine Depress CEO Sam Sunderland. ‘Punctuality improvements, blah blah blah. Who ever cares about that stuff? Since March we’ve saved £142.57 in performance fines, and lost £93m in fares. And now we fear that no one will travel by train again, especially after Boris has said it’s safe.’
‘So to tempt customers back, we’ve refurbished our trains and I can now reveal that train – but I’m not saying which one! – now has a toilet with working flush, plenty of toilet paper, running water and working hand dryer. Yes! Not a word of a lie. So get back on the train and you might get to experience that. Although it’ll probably be out of order by Wednesday so act now.’