‘Stop asking awkward questions and watch these men kick a ball’ urges government

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The UK government have urged everybody to celebrate the return of Premier League football and to focus on that, rather than asking any more awkward questions about how badly the coronavirus crisis is being handled.

With top level football now back after several months, and all matches being televised, Boris Johnson and his cabinet are hoping that men running around a field kicking a ball will distract from how one of the wealthiest nations in the world is making an absolute sh$tshow of their pandemic response.

‘Liverpool may have the title effectively sewn up, but the first two matches have already had plenty of drama and reminded us why we missed the beautiful game so much.’ said Matt Hancock, in response to a question about why the government are encouraging businesses to reopen while simultaneously refusing to review social distancing advice that makes their effective running prohibitively difficult.

The Health Secretary did accept that VAR is not something that everybody is keen on, but claimed that ‘Football is a game of opinions and it certainly provides talking points’, when pressed on how parents are expected to return to work with their children still unable to go to school.

‘GOOOAAAALLLL!!!’ shouted Hancock, when asked why the scientific advisers, who were so prominent during early stages of the lockdown, are rarely seen now, before pulling his shirt over his head and running out of the room.

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Posted: Jun 18th, 2020 by

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