Tory government ministers are said to be delighted with the ongoing success of the Prime Minister’s encryption implant as his statements continue to baffle the public and the Opposition alike.
Fitted in late 2015 the device has, according to Minister for the Cabinet Office, the Rt Hon Michael Gove, ‘surpassed all expectations’.
Located close to Mr Johnson’s cerebral cortex, the implant starts to function as soon as he opens his mouth by converting information known as ‘plain-speak’ into an alternative form known as ‘talking-bollocks’.
‘During this time of National crisis, the implant has really come into its own. Only authorized parties can decipher ‘talking-bollocks’ back to ‘plain-speak’ and access the right information,’ continued Mr Gove. ‘This prevents anything intelligible getting out to any ill-intentioned interceptors. Such as the British people and the Media.’
As testimony to the device’s success, several media pundits have highlighted this particular response by the Prime Minister at a televised press conference when questioned about the search for an effective cure for COVID-19.
‘Er…Ipso facto ex libris. Artemisia absinthium a forgotten antimalarial (COVID-19) … extract has an antiplasmodial for Chloroquine…Stay Home! Stay Safe! Archimedes Screw and Aristotle combined are TWICE as powerful as Chloroquine…just look at the French after the conquest of Algiers in 1830… Don’t Stay Home! Lets Get it Done!’
According to Government sources there is only one authorised decryption key holder whose identity remains secret. However, there is speculation that the role has been given over to Leader of the House, Jacob Rees-Mogg thus adding an extra layer of ‘talking-complete-bollocks’ prior to any official statements.