Police confirm free-roaming pensioners ‘ongoing menace to society’


Police warn that octogenarians are still ‘running wobbly but wild’ on Britain’s streets. They have been deluged by complaint calls since Boris Johnson’s latest diversionary ‘shiny, shiny’ tactic resulted in the compulsory ejection of everyone previously corralled behind their weird stained-glass front doors.

They report that hordes of demob-happy pensioners are still taking daily to the streets at 9.32 am, the moment their bus passes become valid for free travel.

‘We were expecting a small number of disorientated elderly citizens initially ill-equipped to cope with life in the open,’ confirmed police spokesperson Sam Jensen. ‘Even the most brutalist cop should manage to guide a woolly-headed granny gently back across the road and offer to pop the kettle on without thumping anyone in the face. But this ongoing onslaught of confused codgers is knocking the riots into an imperialist cocked hat.’

After an initial burst of endorphin-stoked mania only previously seen in the vicinity of a freshly opened packet of Jaffa Cakes, most pensioners have dialled it down to acceptable hobbies. These include helpfully reminding neighbours to trim their overhanging clematis, screeching; ‘such a pretty girl, what a shame’ at any female passer-by with a tattoo or midi-length skirt, and tutting at rumours of a 2p rise on Kit-E-Grub in the Co-Op.

However, some wild-eyed OAPs remain drunk on the Sanatogen of freedom. Postmen, street cleaners, and anyone vaguely in uniform remain in very real danger of being subjected to what’s being described as ‘invasive flaccid tonguing’ along with cries of; ‘Take me, sailor, the Blitz is over!’

‘Have you seen footage of heavily-mammaried donkeys bucking around their paddock after a long winter in the barn?’ asked Sam, with true fear in his eyes, ‘It’s just like that, but with more hip fractures and unidentified fluids.

‘Corner shops are still reporting high levels of what we are terming ‘Werther’s Hold-Ups’, and nice park benches are being monopolised by codgers drunk on dry sherry forcing people to admire photos of their grandchildren’s graduation in a menacing manner.

‘The pavements around Tesco’s are clogged with collapsing old dears attempting to secrete three frozen chickens under their hats, in clear defiance of the turn-a-blind-eye regulation one. They just don’t understand: with freedom comes responsibility. Put me back on the riot squad as soon as you like; it’s a walk in the park compared to this lot.’

Water board technicians are working round the clock to ensure everyone in receipt of the state pension receives rhino-tranquillising levels of bromide through their water supply. Until then, boy racers, muggers and drug-dealers have been urged to stay off the streets for their own safety.

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Posted: Jun 19th, 2020 by

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