As details of bilateral trade negotiations between the UK and the US emerge, the British Government is basking in the glory of a ‘fair and balanced deal with America’.
Liz Truss, Trade Secretary, is cock-a-hoop that pork markets have been opened up . ‘In a superb new deal, what the UK were going to have to sell to China, the US has agreed to assist with, and they will cover all of that bothersome supply themselves. What is even better, America will also supply UK demand meaning our poor, tired British farmers won’t have to lift a finger any more.’
‘The UK imports two thirds of its cheese. That – is – a – disgrace. In these negotiations we have managed to get those cheese imports right up to 90%. And I think with a little more true British negotiating grit, we can push for 100% and beyond.’
Boris Johnson is particularly delighted with the progress being made in negotiations with the US. ‘What we’ve managed to do is untangle ourselves from those nasty Europeans who kept supporting UK interests, and instead we have aligned ourselves with a more grown-up America which doesn’t go in for that sort of thing. And, more importantly, British businesses will now be able to sell into a smaller, more manageable market.’
‘What our businesses really wanted to do was to rebuild their supply chains from scratch and sell into an oven-ready, completely saturated market. Britain is open for business and we will be the envy of the world as America does all of that business on our behalf.’ While Theresa May confirmed that a ‘Red, White and Blue Brexit’ meant the best Brexit for America.
The Prime Minister went on to highlight some of the particular successes already achieved in talks. ‘The US requested that their pharmaceutical industry have full market access to the NHS. In exchange, we get to give that to them. Their financial sector will be able to operate in the UK unconstrained by tiresome European regulations, and in return the UK will get a rather smart set of novelty spoons.’
‘All that is required on our side is for the UK to ignore those European goblins, allow the transition period to expire, and we can have a great British bonfire of trade regulations so that Britain never has to do any business with Europe again. We have taken back control and placed it all into the safe hands of our special American friends.’