Neolithic monument found at Stonehenge, was Matt Hancock’s first Tracing App

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Archaeologists have confirmed that the recently discovered ring of prehistoric shafts, were in fact a rudimentary attempt by the Health Secretary to monitor the spread of Coronavirus, while ensuring favourable crop yield. The two-mile circle is said to be an early attempt at social distancing and that standing behind the central stones was far more effective than any face-mask.

Using state of the art virginal sacrifices, Mr. Hancock said he could predict outbreaks of the virus. By placing a healing crystal on patient’s forehead, as they lay in pentacle, while they wear a garland crown – he can also lower GP waiting times.

The Government has come under criticism for its use of archaic tracing systems, but Mr. Hancock insisted that reading chicken entrails upon a stone slab, was just has effective as anything Google could construct. The Neolithic site is said to be 4,500 years old, but Mr. Hancock said this was about as technologically ‘cutting edge’ as the NHS could expect to get.

Remarked one Health official: ‘During the Summer Solstice, Matt Hancock will often paint his genitals blue and dance around a 50ft wicker man. That’s nothing to do with Druidical rituals, its just something the Health Secretary likes to do, to unwind’.

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Posted: Jun 23rd, 2020 by

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