Your Eye-Spy guide to the pageant of masked misfitery on public transport

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Government mumbling convinced you that public transport is now magically safe? Feeling fed up and suspiciously peaky after a week staring in moistly sardined disbelief at the array of hacking humanity around you?

Distract yourself and collect points with our miasmic Eye-Spy Guide to Plague Times Public Travel!

“Wearing a mask doesn’t mean it has to cover any actual orifices, right?”
Everywhere. Gloriously epic-failing by tugging their only slightly terribly-fitting mask beneath their chin every time they feel it’s reasonable to speak, smoke, eat, drink, take a breath or spray phlegm. Subspecies include: well-meaning but absent-minded, demonstrably thick, and stare-challengingly aggressive. 5 points each

“I am SO much better than you”
Their triple-layer full PPE, Roswell-approved medical mask only intensifies their dead-eyed accusatory gaze (as does the Perspex visor). Any incursion within 1.997 metres generates a reproachful flurry of hand-gel, wipes, spray, and change of hazmat mittens. These hygiene-Nazis never actually get off the bus, instead ironically riding it until closedown to trumpet their superiority. 15 triple-bleached points

“I support artisan craftspeople”
It’s face coverings, not masks, you squares. Sporting handwoven truffling-sacks expensively upcycled into beaded, bejewelled, bell-bedecked flowing scarves. Beatifically rescuing same from the floor. Repeating with diminishing serenity. 10 points- 20 for bonus sequins spelling: “You can still feel my smile”.

“Shit!! Whatever I could grab by the front door and still make the bus”
Forgot, much? Slinking on while the driver stares in pity/disbelief at their child’s sock, banana skin, gas bill, sanitary towel, or dog poo-bag ‘mask’. Spot the complementary apologetic expression and contact-avoiding eyes. Normal People Like Us, whose armpits you feel relatively comfortable wedged in, close enough to read the ‘Tena Lady’ small print. 10 points

“It doesn’t apply to ME”
Includes Mrs ‘I have a vaguely indescribable condition so I can’t wear one (but you all have to)’, the ‘It’s my human RIGHT, I think you’ll find as set down by precedent…’ Twatface, the ‘No one never tolds us we gotta wear anyfink’ family, & Mr Angryface Gammon clambering on for his weekend hobby kicking policemen in the head in the name of British Respect. Cheer as fellow commuters joyously help coal-sack them off the bus. 20 points

How many points did you get? Current leader Sam Jensen posted 665 from the no.49 from Clapham Junction, a challenging target. Still, a nice change from the usual worrying about mugging, upskirting or stabbing.

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Posted: Jun 23rd, 2020 by

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