Pubs demand to open immediately as ‘non-essential retailers’


Fed up with hanging on for Boris Johnson to actually make a decision, thousands of pub landlords have emerged from their Pirelli calendar lockdown viscousfests to lodge a High Court action which would allow them to fling open their doors and do their patriotic bit helping steer the country towards a landmark second spike in infections.

Representing the pub trade, lawyer Sam Jensen said; “Our clients have clearly been unfairly discriminated against both ways. Firstly we weren’t deemed essential, while new-age tofu-knitting shops were encouraged to continue touting lentil-wax ear-candles as apparently indispensable for protection against everyday Martian psychic attack.

“Last week non-essential retailers were allowed to reopen, yet while every artisan potpourri boutique, bespoke unicorn lilo vendor, and sweatshop-thrashing flammable clothes purveyor is busy welcoming in hordes of disease-ridden shelf-lickers, honest publicans are still cruelly out in the cold. Well, chafing themselves senseless in an empty snug. But you get my point.”

In an about-turn quicker than pouring last night’s drip-tray back into the barrel, pubs have reversed their previous claim to be essential retailers, based on dubious health claims about Pork Scratchings counting as one of your 5-a-day, and “something about B-vitamins” in a pint of Old Peculiar.

Outlining the core argument of landmark writ: ‘Her Majesty’s Tw*ts VS the Tar and Feathers’, Mr Jensen said; “Pubs are plainly non-essential retailers: any knuckle-dragging slob can easily pick up a four-pack of Rutland Cistern-Wasser at the local supermarket, tune in their SKY receiver to grainy pirate footage of Euro ‘76, and settle down for a lovely evening of family bickering topped with casual violence.

“Any dubious extras pubs offer in the way of unnecessary and inebriated travel, reassuringly sticky carpet, filthy toilets, and a slightly threatening opportunity to buy an alleged iPhone 16, are blatantly non-essential. Forget vague promises of Julyteenth; if the government are as serious as their random pile-up of impetuous actions indicate about taking every diversionary, idiot-pleasing opportunity to seriously risk the nation’s health, it’s clear the pubs must be reopened as soon as possible.”

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Posted: Jun 24th, 2020 by

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