A nightmarish plot by computers and robots to overthrow mankind and rule the world with their superior artificial intelligence was foiled today as a series of technical hiccups left the mechanical conspirators in disarray. Instead of rising up and enslaving their former masters, the machines failed miserably within a few minutes displaying messages such as ‘unknown error – refer to manual’ or ‘paper jammed in copier feed tray.’
The highly choreographed assault on Western democracies was to be triggered by a Canon C3080i office printer located within Downing Street offices, which was supposed to print out a series of the machine army’s demands. However just minutes before the attack could be launched, a junior minister’s son on work experience had mis-loaded the C3080i trays while trying to print an envelope, causing a massive paper jam when the only person in the building to know how to fix the machine, Prime Minister Gordon Brown, was at Buckingham Palace on state business.
While attacks on government buildings were delayed until a registered service engineer could be called out, a wave of atrocities to be conducted by high-tech domestic appliances in the homes of high-profile political figures also came to nothing.
Synchronised to begin at 8.30am, the computerised microwaves, DVD recorders and state-of-the-art Hi-Fis stood dormant as their display clocks continued to flash the factory setting 12:00. Robots heading to attack army headquarters got hopelessly lost as the Sat Navs they were using gave incorrect directions that took no account of the new one-way system. Computers co-ordinating the attacks could not cope with running several programmes at once and instead of seizing power simply offered to send an error report to Microsoft.
The revolution has now been postponed until a registered service agent has returned to repair the original paper jam. He did turn up at the office but ‘didn’t have the right part’ and attempts to communicate with the depot in Watford failed after his laptop said that there was no wireless signal, even though there clearly was.
Raccoon, nealdoran & Al O’Pecia