Vital emergency service workers ‘not actually that vital’


The government has defended the Commons’ vote against ending austerity for public sector workers, including the emergency services, in a ‘clarification statement’ that concluded that these workers were ‘vital but not THAT vital’. Tory MPs continued their wild cheering as the slogan they are going to use for the next few months appeared on their mobiles.

‘When we said the firefighters were invaluable following the Grenfell Tower disaster, we only meant that they did a jolly good job, which I’m sure they did,’ said Prime Minister Theresa May. ‘We didn’t mean their value couldn’t be evaluated – it can be and it appears to be pretty good right now – but of course they all have second jobs, so why worry about pay anyway?’

Critics claim that firefighters, armed forces personnel, doctors, nurses, teachers and those who administer the public sector to ensure that it runs smoothly and that gaps, like monitoring fire safety in tower blocks for example, don’t fall through the cracks due to talented trained staff moving into the private sector could be a problem if pay isn’t brought back in line.

However, this was dismissed by a fire safety expert who left his role at a local fire authority to work as a private consultant. ‘That’ll be £300, by the way,’ he added. ‘Do you need an invoice or can you do cash?’

A government official pointed out that the austerity measures were brought in to punish those who allowed the financial crisis to happen, noting that many mortgages were taken out by people in the public sector who really couldn’t have afforded them in the longer term, not by bankers who, thanks to their bonuses could buy large houses outright.

‘So it’s wrong to punish bankers, which of course we haven’t,’ the official concluded. He also pointed out that the public sector was punished as a whole. ‘We’re all in it together – apart from the Royal Family and, er, MPs. Mrs Thatcher once famously told a group of local authority officials that if they were any good at anything, they’d be working in the private sector and we can see how right she … oh bollocks, can I come back to you on this one?’

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2020 by

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