Fans of bumbling not-based-on-reality TV hit ‘Downing Street Daily Briefing’ are mourning the end of the current series, as season one ended with a typically bombastic yet comfortingly incomprehensible finale. Commendably shunning cheap crowd-pleasers like go-go dancers, confetti canons, consistent virus recording methods, or basic respect and honesty for the electorate, the season closer stuck to its slipshod credentials with Boris Johnson mumbling skewed statistics and bullishly cutting in before his experts could answer, in moves breathlessly described as “classic Boris”.
Grieving series addict Jen Samson sobbed; “It’s the best TV show EVER, perfect for those traditional ratings-smashing hot, sunny summer days, when you’re not allowed to go out. I loved the cliff-hangers, like when Boris muted Laura Kuenssberg, Robert Peston rolled his eyes, and on the red button you could watch them all soapily making up again in the Downing Street hot tub afterwards.” Bereft ‘Briefers’ have been comforting themselves with series highlights, such as Matt Hancock fiddling test numbers, Dominic Raab presenting from the Iron Throne in the Great Hall of the Red Keep, Matt Hancock getting angry and patronising, Priti Patel forgetting how to read numbers, and Matt Hancock forgetting how to speak.
Suspiciously feverish superfan Sam Jenson proudly showed off his suppurating homemade tattoos. “This one’s Chris Witty crying, this is the classic scene in week eight when Boris Johnson received hand relief under his podium while praising the NHS, and I’ve got all their inspiring ‘stay hooked – stay in the dark about the implausible story arc – support our sponsors’ messages down one thigh. “Think I might need the other thigh soon,” he added, quiveringly reaching for the ice pack and Ibuprofen.
A change.org petition demanding immediate scheduling of series two has already reached 500,000 signatures. But with maverick executive producer Dominic Cummings famed for flying, and driving, in the face of public opinion, fans can’t be complacent. Sam remains hopeful, saying; “Give it one panicked, all-going-to-shit week, and they’ll have to hastily ram it back in the schedules. I can’t wait to see how they’ll top the classic amateurism, diva tantrums, and ludicrous storylines of series one.”
Asked if the show had provided any practical guidelines to surviving an international pandemic, Jen just laughed. “No, it’s a soap, innit- a bit of escapism. God, if you thought this was in any way related to actual life, you’d really be stuffed.”