Lockdown eased after local plumber says he reckons pandemic has blown over


The government has announced a wide ranging lifting of coronavirus restrictions in England after a plumber said he reckons the pandemic has mostly blown over now. Dave North, a plumber and heating engineer, was at Downing Street to service the boiler when Boris Johnson struck up a conversation with him as part of his attempts to look like he cares about the working class.

“The Prime Minister asked Mr North what he thought about the situation and he said he reckoned it would be alright to go pretty much back to normal now, plus ‘it would be nice to be able to go to the pub wouldn’t it’.” said Professor Chris Whitty, with his head in his hands. Following Dave’s considered advice Boris decided to ignore most of the scientists who he had previously been looking to for guidance, because he thinks telling everybody they can go out for a pint might make people like him again.”

From July 4th pubs and restaurants in England can now reopen, people can go back to waving their hands vaguely at a tap and then wiping them on their jeans instead of washing them properly, and you can lick strangers on the face in the street. When asked if he had any kind of medical or scientific evidence to back up his suggestions that everything would be OK Mr North said he was using good old fashioned British common sense “just like Boris said”.

“Besides, if a load more people do die as a result of easing lockdown measures too quickly at least we’ll be able to have a proper wake with the pubs back open.”

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Posted: Jun 27th, 2020 by

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