Matt Hancock will announce a second U turn this week in the search for an effective track and trace system. Insiders say the government has now decided to abandon the Apple and Google model and instead will ask Liam Neeson to do the job instead.
The Apple and Google model is still months away from being ready, but Liam Neeson already possess a particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a long career to do the job now. Baroness Dido Harding, who is in charge of the government’s Track and Trace programme, believes the Liam Neeson is more likely to succeed since coronavirus cases cannot escape him. ‘Even if you have been traced but then refuse self-isolate, Liam will look for you, he will find you and he will take a swab from you.’
‘Similarly,’ she went on ’should you decide you’d much rather sit it out in the beer garden of a pub with a load of your mates rather than self-isolate, expect Liam to immediately arrive at the pub, after having driven at high speed against the traffic down the wrong side of the motorway. He will then apply a roundhouse to your head whilst simultaneously ventilating your friends with a broken pint glass. You will then be reminded of the need to self-isolate whilst your mates are gasping and slowly expiring on the floor.’
‘Liam won’t use google but he will use goolies, which he will knee repeatedly until a decision on self-isolation has been mutually agreed.’ Despite the promise of deploying Liam Neeson as a Track and Trace system he is yet to be tested and there are fears that whilst he is used to taking out dangerous low lives with ease, testing people on the Isle of Wight may prove too much of a challenge.