Britain’s favourite red gravy can be smeared on any meal with no ill effects, but the moment it is introduced into bedtime frolics, it not only kills the moment, but it will turn your bed sheets pink. Sex gurus have identified Ketchup as a bigger passion-killer than using gardening gloves, a clown’s wig or a Richard Branson cosplay mask.
The term for food used in sex play is ‘sploshing’, while the term for using ketchup is being ‘saucy’. One couple from Nottingham spoke of their trauma; Cheryl explained: ‘We’d used a chocolate Santa once, so the next logical step was to try other foods we like – now I enjoy pizza but Dave’s partial to curried chips, so ketchup was the only thing we could agree on, other than to keep the curtains closed’.
Eleven billion units are sold every year, in attempt to disguise the true taste of your cooking. Some foods are said to raise testosterone levels, but ketchup is barely able to raise the edible nature of hotdogs. It’s a condiment, it’s a jus and it’s a fantastic way to distract from how undercooked this chicken nugget is.
Sadly, the experiment failed to boost libidos and, instead, resulted in Cheryl looking like Elmo from Sesame Street and leaving Dave with a lingering taste of tangy regret. Remarked Dave: ‘What else would I have with my sausage?’