Huge applause as Britain’s porn stars go back to work

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Thousands of haggard onanists, some of whom haven’t seen daylight since March, came out to clap today as the porn industry’s frontline workers set off once again for their back-street studios.

The move comes after crisis cabinet talks where it was revealed that Britain’s porn reserves were running lower than at any time since the late Victorian era.

‘We’re ensuring our latest offerings observe responsible social distancing protocols”, explains porn boss David Jordan. “Orgy in a Mondeo has been rescripted as Gangbang on the Orient Express.’

Boris Johnson has thanked the country’s porn fans for their patience and forbearance during these lean times. ‘They’ve showed the true spirit of the Blitz, recycling old Women’s Institute calendars and underwear catalogues”, he says. “And having to watch Balls Deep in Basingstoke for the 18th time is heroic.’

Meanwhile, Dominic Cummings has vehemently denied rumours that his dash to Durham was to dig up a stash of Razzle magazines he buried there as a teenager.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2020 by

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