Self-regulating porn industry urges users to “wank responsibly”

Porn

The British porn industry has bowed to pressure to warn people not to over-indulge in the thing it would really, really like them to over-indulge in, it was confirmed today.

“Sure, our porn is sexy, cool, hot and cheap – but don’t watch too much!’ said an industry spokesman. ‘As the tiny label says in the final scene where the actress gazes directly at you, overwhelmed in ecstasy and admiration at your ability to make a woman climax in the past just by leering at her via fibre-optic cable, ‘if the cum stops, stop’.’

Bored men in lockdown have been lured to sites such as paddyphoar or Pink Casin-ho by the offer of ‘favourite games’ or ‘free slots’, only to reappear drunk and bankrupt days later. Many routinely exceed the safe limit of half a hand-shandy a day, and a significant minority have begun to wank and drive.

Following mounting criticism of wrist-strain-related productivity loss, the government allowed the creation of a sector-funded website offering guidance for flesh consumers worried where their habit is leading them, rather than adopt a more heavy-handed approach.

‘Wankaware.org is full of useful tips ‘said the spokesman. ‘For instance, it’s a common myth that masturbation leads to blindness, but you can debunk this yourself. If you suspect that being a massive wanker has affected your eyesight, simply chuck your kids in the back of the car and head to Barnard Castle.’

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Posted: Jul 3rd, 2020 by

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