Education Secretary and Frank Spencer super-fan, Gavin Williamson has decreed that kids must be back in school the minute they open in September. Failure to comply with his orders means they could face dire consequences.
‘There’s no need for parents or their pampered brats to worry about this stupid virus’, he told a virtually empty, virtual House of Commons. ‘Heads across the country have controlled the virus with chalk, colouring pencils and turgid quotations from the likes of Mr Dickens.
The police will have special powers to extend their use of tasers from black people to schoolchildren from all ethnic backgrounds. If they find any skiving delinquents lounging about, then I’ve told them not to hesitate. All schoolchildren should be at their desks and eager to absorb Mr Gove’s 1950’s based educational syllabus.’
Teachers unions have been fully supportive. A spokesman, who wished to remain anonymous said, ‘We don’t have a choice. Mr Williamson must be taken seriously. Here is a man who personally told Putin to ‘go away and shut up’, fired paintballs at the Spanish fleet and is perfectly capable of driving tractors fitted with ‘really expensive guns’ into the nation’s playgrounds.’