Self-driving autocrat Dominic Cummings is reported to be “f*cking apoplectic” on hearing of Stanley Johnson’s Bulgaria-hopping jaunt to his Greek villa in defiance of official guidance to; “Erm, probably not, unless you can?”
In a challenge, or homage, to his son’s boss’s inspiring wanderlust, the Elgin-aping mop-top invoked undiplomatic immunity, which allows the rich and entitled to circumvent international protocols and common decency.
Claiming to be “lost on the way to buy a paper”, Stanley wasted no time relaunching the viral Johnson brand in a country which has surely suffered enough.
Finding his own reckless death jaunt humiliatingly downgraded, the PM’s chief thug has been taking out his mild disappointment on those around him with characteristic zeal.
A Downing Street insider cowering inside Cherie Blair’s disused clunch-steaming cupboard whispered; “I’ve not seen Atomic Wedgies like these since Priti Patel realised no one had got her a Secret Santa gift.
“With any pleb able to charter an international jet using Sun tokens come Monday, Dom complacently thought no one had time to sneak in one last illegal journey. He’s been very much hoist by his own petard, but I’m not telling him that.
“Upping the stakes, he’s insisting we get him on the next intergalactic mission, but Elon Musk’s blocked our number.
“We’re seriously considering keeping him sloshed on House of Commons sherry in front of a 3D screening of The Martian for a couple of days, in the hope it convinces him.
“I’ve got to go, I can hear him kicking Matt Hancock down the stairs again. On second thoughts, what’s the rush, he’ll probably regain consciousness on his own this time.”