Malaysian inventor, James Dyson, has been awarded a contract by an unnamed entity to build a new prime minister.
A spokesperson for Dyson explained: “Yes, we were contacted by an individual representing a mystery organisation, asking us drop everything and focus on building a more efficient Boris Johnson. The brief stipulated that the replica must be slightly more functional than a stuffed bear tied a lorry’s bumper, but not so capable as to arouse suspicion.”
Amongst many other examples, Mr Johnson was criticised for his recent performance at a government briefing, in which he renamed the now-defunct contact-tracing program: “contract-taste… contact-tasting… er testing, tracing… forgive me. Contract, contract, contact-tracing”.
A Dyson engineer commented, “We’ve radically redesigned the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, hand dryer, all sorts of inefficient everyday items, but nothing as challenging as upgrading a morally vacuous cordless clown.
“Wait a minute. I’ve got a Spacehopper, a kazoo and a bike pump in the garage. Tell Dominic, we’ll be fine.”