The Government has announced that it is preferable to pay the UK’s arts venues to remain shut, than to actually watch the pretentious nonsense they would be staging. The Coronavirus has provided the perfect excuse to avoid gangster-ballet, electro-folk trios and touring poets, who insist on wearing hats indoors.
Said one relieved theatre goer: ‘I no longer need to fake enjoyment of Chekhov or pretend I know what the word post-modern means. Two billion to not watch ‘We Will Rock You’, is money well spent, in my opinion’.
Under lockdown, theatre producers have asked why it is okay for people to sit on a train but not in a theatre; to which the answer is, you are unlikely to be forced to watch three hours of Samuel Beckett on Southern Rail – although it will feel like it.
A Culture spokeswoman: ‘Everyone is suffering enough during Coronavirus; we don’t need Andrew Lloyd Webber in the mix. And we’re more than happy to subsidise David Walliams not to write any more plays. Now, if we can only start paying Michael McIntyre to stay at home, we’ll be laughing – for once’.