79-year-old rock star attributes longevity to drugs, late nights, groupies

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After years of silence on the secrets of his robust health, legendary bass drummer Dave Parker has revealed he owes his long life to “12 lines of the best Colombian every day, all-night parties, and unprotected sex”. He credits his healthy heart to his “scientifically proven” exercise regime of wrecking hotel rooms and heaving their contents out the window.

He admits the revelation that he was once found to be “43 percent recreational chemicals” ruined his chance of an OBE. However, he insists it was mostly drugs that kept him from dying in a road accident like so many rock stars, “as I always passed out before I could even find the steering wheel”.

He is also grateful for the health benefits bestowed on him by the thousands of groupies he’s had. He picked up so many STDs over the years that his doctor assures him he’s built up immunity to “everything but the Black Death”.

Most of all, Mr Parker owes his survival to the skull-numbing din of the drums that has left him legally deaf for the last 65 years. “I’ll never forget that fateful day at the airport in 1959″, he recalls. “They were shouting over the tannoy that my plane was about to leave, but I didn’t hear a thing – luckily for me but not for Buddy Holly, who grabbed my seat at the last minute”.

Meanwhile, his advice to young rock stars who want a long life is to “avoid high-risk activities” like going for a swim (“remember Brian Jones”) or taking a bath (Jim Morrison).

“All in all, I’ve had a wonderful life”, he concludes, “except for the four years I spent clinically dead after that massive party in 1969″.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2020 by

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