Homeowners to receive £5K if they pretend Tories have done a good job with Covid-19

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Hundreds of thousands of homeowners across England are set to receive vouchers of up to £5K if they are willing to pretend that the government have done a great job tackling the Coronavirus, with the most sceptical receiving an additional £5k to help them overcome their cynicism.

Chancellor Rishi Sunak is due to set out plans for the £2bn grant scheme and will confirm that homeowners will be able to spend the money on new loft insulation, solar panels or just piss it all up against the wall at a local boozer.

‘This is an exciting new initiative that will help the public take a more considered view of our handling of the Covid-19 healthcare crisis’ said Sunak.

‘This money shouldn’t be considered as a bribe, we’re just inviting people who have been critical of the government’s approach to reassess their view while picturing themselves lying on a beach on the Costa Del Sol getting slowly pissed on taxpayers cash’.

The move has been broadly welcomed by the public.

‘I’ve been super-critical of the government’s disastrous handling of the Covid-19 crisis’ says York man Fenton Barnes.

‘I was ranting on Twitter just the other day about their piss-poor performance – 65000 excess deaths, lack of proper PPE and a complete absence of accountability. Then Rishi Sunak offered me five grand and I began to realise that they’ve probably done their best in very difficult circumstances and maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt’.

‘I mean who amongst us can honestly say that they haven’t caused tens of thousands of avoidable deaths through gross incompetence? Not me. I’ll certainly give it some more thought while the family and I are on the flight to Disneyland next month’.

‘We wanted to take mum with us but she died in her care home last week. Bloody government… oops, I mean bloody care workers’.

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Posted: Jul 8th, 2020 by

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