The US has bought up almost all of the world’s sand supply, so that Donald Trump can bury his head in it until coronavirus and bad poll results have gone away.
The deal will see sand from all of the world’s deserts and most beaches transported to Washington DC, where the President will then submerge his head so that he can no longer see things he doesn’t like.
“President Trump has struck an amazing deal to ensure he has access to more than enough sand to shield him entirely from inconvenient facts from the outside world.” said the US health and human services secretary, Alex Azar. “This represents a massive leap forward in our response to Covid-19 as, instead of even pretending to tackle it, Trump is just going to hide from it until it has gone away. Which he repeatedly assures everybody it will. By magic.”
Work has already begun on transporting sand to the United States, with military Chinook helicopters arriving in Algeria to collect the Sahara desert bit by bit and fly it home. The first collections of sand were originally going to be from Bournemouth beach, but there was a real concern that a load of dickheads might have accidentally been picked up with it too.
“The President has been provided with an extra long breathing tube so that he doesn’t suffocate while his head is buried in the sand. And he agreed to wear it on the condition that nobody refers to it as a mask.” continued Azar, “He has insisted that his hands remain free though, so that he can continue to tweet prolifically.”
It is widely expected that Trump not being able to see what he is typing while using his favourite social media platform may improve the coherence of his communications.