Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rishi Sunak, has had his crayons out and under the rainbow and ladybird scribbles are documents from Labour which were scrapped by David Cameron and now shamelessly resurrected as Conservative brilliance. “Can anyone draw a feenicks… pheenix… phoeoe… firebirdy thingy?”
Sunak went into more detail clarifying, “Uncle Boris told me to spaff squillions of sumfink called the tax potty on…er… what did he say… already successful companies which were going to do that stuff anyway.” It is believed Sunak was referring to employers being given £1,000 for every furloughed employee they don’t sack. People not easily panicked by numbers have pointed out that the 10% furlough contribution employers were asked to make which was taken away with the right hand, has just been given back with the left hand.
Sunak has also cut VAT to 5% on tourism and hospitality, and everyone is to get a £10 ‘Eat out to help out’ voucher. An Uber Eats employee snorted, “That’s less than our current promo.”
Sunak concluded, “The Govingment will publish a report showing that the poor have been helped the most. Sorry about the smudge there… I fink that says Random Arse Publishing.”