Announcing that the coronavirus was ‘on the run’, Prime Minister Boris Johnson today announced that brothels, dogging sites, shebeens, houses of ill repute and illegal raves would all open with immediate effect. Libraries are expected to follow suit in December if it’s safe enough.
“Dogging is a fine British tradition, like shove ha’penny, darts or invading foreign countries”, Boris told journalists. “It’s healthy really, because it gets people out in the fresh air. So go to the pub, enjoy a half price Nandos and get taken up the wrong ‘un in the back of a Ford Focus. It’s your patriotic duty. You’ll be helping the economy, and that’s what matters now”.
Some epidemiologists – they’re the ones who did the exam to be a doctor but sit around drawing graphs all day instead – claim that allowing large groups of inebriated wasters to congregate during a pandemic is somehow irresponsible. Boo hoo, sad face. They’re probably just panicking over the fines they’ll get when the libraries finally open.