Former minister and human discount voucher, Chris Grayling, who is expected to be appointed as chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee next week, has expressed his delight at the prospect and in particular the exciting opportunity of sending 007 to rub out some dodgy foreign terrorists, it has emerged.
Grayling commented, ‘I do not want to be presumptuous about my appointment, but in a world where Priti Patel can be Home Secretary, making me chair of Parliament’s most powerful committee that has sight of sensitive and top-secret information makes complete sense to me, and I don’t have any.’
‘Frankly, my head is about to explode at the prospect of becoming M, what with all my desk banging as I attempt in vain to reign in 007 and his loose-cannon antics.
‘Ha, the japes and high jinks we have in store.
‘Personally speaking, Roger Moore possessed the most impressive skill set. You know, like his ability to walk on crocodiles, karate chop, and have intercourse with a woman in space, all while looking like the man from C&A. Legend.
‘I can’t wait to see what Q-branch has come up now. It will take something to top invisible cars, wrist dart guns, and bagpipe flamethrowers mind.
‘Ooo, what’s this. The report on Russian interference in the election. Nope. There must be something else. Hmm, let me think. I know. It must be fireproof.
‘No, that’s not it. I’m sure there’s another copy’.