Lucky Brits left gasping throughout the ongoing knobstorm will be offered welcome vouchers allowing them to breathe during August, as long as they meet a bare minimum of ‘civic duty’ conditions.
The announcement comes as A&E units report a dangerous rise in hyperventilating patients suffering involuntary horrified sharp intakes of breath every time Boris Johnson says something vile.
A Treasury spokesperson advised, “Sucking oxygen out of the air and restricting access via ‘breathe banks’ is a bold populace-soothing initiative at a time when most Brits are already joyously breathless from the cyclone of truth, decency, and integrity whirling from Number Ten.
“To qualify, your average Joe simply needs to eat out at approved restaurants at least four times a day, BACS transfer £100 a week to their local re-shuttered pub, take on a minimum of two full time employees per household at minimum wage, buy a new car, book three British staycations, and exchange contracts on a second home before the end of July.”
Welcome news, surely, for your average single-parent family crammed into a windowless cupboard in a hastily-converted gym, swimming pool, or still-moist ex-meat-packing factory?
“Exactly. Simply get your qualifying actions triple-verified, and a voucher enabling you to suck in your regulation weekly number of breaths handily concentrated into Monday-Wednesday at a relatively local air-point will be popped in the post almost straightaway at the start-ish of August, just after we seal off the atmosphere.”
And how is this respiratory free-for-all being funded? “Easy- thanks to our crematorium-ground-breaking care home policies, we’ve freed up millions of lungs-worth of valuable air that we feel it’s only right to ration out to the younger generations in return for a little economy-boosting cooperation.
“And don’t worry, it still leaves plenty of capacity in the government’s hot air reserves.”