Panicking meatheads across the country breathed a sigh of relief today as it was announced that gyms were to reopen.
Nationwide closures 3 months ago had left many musclebound dum dums like Marcus ‘Flex’ Finnis without any defining qualities. “It used to be that if I was out with friends and someone asked my opinion on something like Brexit or Lord of the Rings, I could easily divert attention away by pulling up my shirt, pointing to my abs and yelling ‘BAM’… now I’ve got nothing”.
Until now, many of Britain’s brainless hunks had found themselves resorting to books in a bid to form an opinion on something besides their favourite protein bar. “Theres no supplement you can take to make you funny or charming” the 21-year-old told us “thats why I bought this book ‘Capital’ by a dude called Carl Marks… i’m not entirely sure what it’s supposed to be about but it was the heaviest one they had so it’s worked out my forearm a little, which is something”.
Fitness experts revealed that the nations ‘pecs’, ‘traps’ and ‘pythons’ shrunk by around 9% in 2020, and warned it could take months or even years for the UK to “recover its sick gains”.