Dominic Cummings builds clone army – of himself


An army of Dominic Cummings clones is set to revitalise British politics. Over the next ten years every senior civil servant in Whitehall will be replaced with a short-sighted, badly dressed Cummings clone.

“We need disruptors” said Cummings, a man who has never had an actual job. “Disruptors enable change and facilitate growth. They also – oh, insert your own pairings of abstract verbs with even more abstract nouns, it isn’t rocket science.

“I was getting nowhere with the civil service – there isn’t a single genius among them – so I’ve donated stem cells to Professor Blumenstein of the Sinister Science Institute to create thousands of cloned Dominics. I got the idea from one of the Star Wars movies. Also The Boys from Brazil. Cracking plot”.

Scientists point to the nature/nurture debate: what if Cummings’ genius is caused more by environmental factors than genetics? Or what if he isn’t a genius at all, just a very naughty boy like Brian of Nazareth? Also, how will they organise sexy time with his wife? Will they need to clone her, too? Deep waters.

Critics of the move say that it could turn Cummings into a cult. Several say he already is a cult. Around Whitehall, ‘cult’ is the word most commonly associated with Cummings. Cummings? What a cult, people say, with obvious sincerity. We should note that our reporter’s hearing aid battery needs replacing.

Perhaps the last word should go to the Barnard Castle Tourism Board. They say the news is ‘fabulous’

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Posted: Jul 13th, 2020 by

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