The wearing of pants in retail establishments will become compulsory in the next few days, confirmed government sources today, ending days of speculation, briefings, counter-briefings and brief briefings.
‘Of course, it’s good manners to wear undergarments in shops’, said Michael Gove. ‘But enforcing it by law will mean people like my wife will not be allowed to ‘go commando’ in Waitrose, which she has done for the last ten years without ever being detected. Make Mrs Gove’s knickers compulsory for everyone and it means security staff will have to have a mirror on a stick, or other tools with which to check customer undercrackers, which could invade people’s human rights.’
Mr Gove continued: ‘There is no scientific evidence that not wearing underpants under trousers is unsafe, so this ruling would discriminate against wearers of skirts, shorts, and kilts.’ But Pubic Health England have released a shocking simulation animation which shows what happens, virus wise, when someone releases nether-wind in the cooked meats aisle at Lidl. After a risible sound effect, a cloud of angry khaki droplets is showed being propelled forcefully downwards from the faceless wearer’s unprotected clothing, after which it changes course and is born gracefully upward and towards the cheese counter, where olfactory detection of the release is made difficult by ripe camembert and in some cases, Stinking Bishop.
The Bishop of Winchester said that some clergy exercise the holy right to go jockey-free but cassock length could limit the spread of the virus and testing has been set up in the Cathedral vestry to find the answer.
In earlier editions of this article The Bishop of Winchester was misleadingly conflated with a cheese of a similar name. We are happy to explain we have conducted an unannounced sniff-sample of Bishop Arthur Smythe and we confirm he is in no way smelly. We apologise for any offence caused.