Terrified middle class Herefordshire voters living in fear of a deadly space pox traced to a compound of replicant crop-pickers have been reassured that Special Forces Bladerunners are preparing to slaughter the entire Mathon farm ‘sub-human’ workforce.
A joint venture between Huawei and the Tyrell Corporation, Nokesus-6 androids programmed to carry out mundane, laborious jobs like cleaning, crop picking, and nursing have allowed up-themselves Brits to focus on carving out careers they feel better suit their noble accident of birth, like baristas, Instagrammers and bigots.
Council-sanctioned conditions at Sunny Green Rook Row Gulag require replicant workers to toil 16 hours a day until locked overnight in cramped reboot-huts, reassuringly punished for any attempts to engage with us kind, empathetic, genuine humans.
To everyone’s astonishment, this environment provided a fertile breeding ground for illness and disease.
With fears of contagion exacerbated by news of three replicants making off in a stolen Spinner, local Conservative MP Bill Wiggin was quick to address the real tragedy of the situation: “Will there be any dip in artichoke production? Heavens, no. As will secretly continue after Brexit, a sealed transporter of certified non-contaminated replacement automatons is already en-route.
“I guarantee residents of dystopian meta-cities Malvern, Coddington, and Bishop’s Frome will suffer not one irksome moment’s shortage of safely irradiated rocket, basil, and quinoa in their local Waitrose Nutrihub.”
Wiggin continued; “Local constituents can be reassured that once all infected replicants are rounded up and hygienically slaughtered, there is no danger of their Foreign-Pox spreading into civilised neighbourhoods.
“The majority remain safely locked up with no food, water, or dangerous fresh air- very much business as usual for them, really.
“Some of them even think they’re human; it’s almost touching. But don’t worry, in every way we neglect, disregard, and refer to them, we’re diligent in hammering into them they most certainly are not.”
Speaking through a gap in the electrified fence, soon-to-be-retired lettuce-picker Roy Batty said; “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. British garment factories on fire in the slums of Dhaka. I watched frozen immigrants glitter in the dark of a refrigerated lorry by Dover customs. All those moments will repeat over time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”