Launching his latest 180-degree policy stab-in-the-dark that no one can be bothered to face-palm any more, Boris Johnson has emphatically reversed his historic aversion to face coverings, now pronouncing them ‘total peng’.
In his more recognisable flammable ruffle-shirted 1970s tubby comedian persona, the PM has previously denounced anyone daring to cover their face for health and safety, medical, or religious reasons as: “’an insult to the Empire’, ‘like one of those mummified Egyptian piccaninny chappies’, and ‘selfishly spoiling your ickle boss Bowis’s tonsil-fun happy time’.
Changing his tune, the turn-again Dick Whittington of Downing Street declared face masks: ‘The best thing since sliced benefits, huzzah!’ before trumpeting; ‘As I’ve always said, what more inspiring sartorial British example could there be than the great Hun-trouncing Imperial letterboxes of George V?’
Sceptics have linked this change of heart to the economy- and personal-wealth-boosting potential of a massive shipment of Johnson-branded face-masks currently en-route from the family firm’s Greek subdivision.
No. 10 insiders insist it simply follows the PM’s many rigorous hours of serious scientific research: watching Dick Turpin, the Lone Ranger, and Doogie Howser M.D. with whichever random child in the SW1 postcode area is currently estimated to be his youngest son.
Dominic Cummings is reported to be surprisingly supportive of Michael Gove remaining off-message, observing a mask would significantly reduce the joy of repeatedly punching him in the face.