A new range of rubber masks aimed at the armed robbery industry will incorporate state of the art virus protection with maximum shock value, announced a novelty manufacturer. Scary Industries spokesperson Ian Smithers said: ‘Now you can be a frightening clown, Ronald Reagan or even Anne Widecombe, knowing that you won’t transmit or ingest virus particles while you do West Ealing Barclays for an estimated £9 million. It means keeping you and your victims safe while you get on with the bank job in hand. It’s the ultimate in responsible felony, combined with traditional values in bank robbery we associate with the Michael Caine crowd. ’
The new dual-purpose masks have gone down well in the ‘Lie down on the floor with your hands behind your back and don’t move or speak’ community. One anonymous thief commented ‘You’d expect a mask of, say, President Kennedy to be extra claustrophobic with the virus protection fitted. But last week, trying it out at the Halifax Lewisham was a breeze. Apart from the queues, which were murder. My friend said his Donald Trump was easy-to-wear, with excellent visibility, smoke-proofing for when you fire in the air and that all important C19 protection, plus top terrifying properties. Three victims wet their pants, which to bank robbers is a coveted seal of approval.’
Another heist-merchant lamented: ‘Old fashioned in-and-out bank robbery with sawn-off shotguns performed by Margaret Thatcher or even Eammon Holmes was going out of fashion, with less cash in circulation and older robbers put off by the risks of infection. But these new masks have been a shot in the arm for the business, with a new line of masks available including Lady Gaga and a very frightening Andrew Neil for when the going gets tough.
The new mask business has also been welcomed by the medical profession, because of their full-face covering, high anti-virus spec, and the shortage of PPE. ‘It won’t be long until patients see doctors who look like Adolf Hitler or Marilyn Monroe on the wards,’ said Ian Smithers.
But newer bank robbers who have gravitated to online theft have reacted angrily to rules that they too will need to be masked while at work or face a fine. One bank hacker commented: ‘I don’t see the point of me looking like Cher or Nigel Farage while I’m at my computer in the spare room at 9 Carlton Avenue, Hinckley, LE9 4JW’