Rumours are surfacing from Buckingham Palace that the Queen has dispatched a crack team of agents to rescue her wayward grandson. Palace insiders fear Harry may be under significant stress, noting in his latest Zoom appeal he confused the Commonwealth with the British Empire, and ended most sentences with either: “m’kay?”, or “far out!”.
A source close the Queen, explained: “Prince Harry has recently turned against his family, the monarchy, the UK, the military, rugby union, and even his love of inappropriate fancy dress. The only hook we have left is his passion for getting wasted with his mates.”
Palace officials contacted ex-special forces soldier, Ant Middleton, to deliver an impassioned plea to the Happy Mondays at their base in Manchester. The document invites, on Her Majesty’s behalf, the Happy Mondays to reform as a team of elite good-time warriors and rescue her deluded grandson. The precise wording of the document is unknown, only fragments remain due to it being torched as a ‘quality skin’.
It’s understood a training team of elite Brits, comprising: Ant Middleton, Stormzy, Danny Dyer and Clare Balding have been putting the Mondays through their partying paces.
Frontman Shaun Ryder, elucidates: “The training’s f*ckin’ rough, man! I only drink Baileys at Christmas, nowadays. I haven’t strung two swear words together for ten f*ckin’ years, and I’m kebab intolerant. But, if I’m On Her Majesty’s Party Service, then I’m: Bombed, James Bombed. Double-O-24/7. Just don’t ask me to try and sing.
“Bez is right back there, man. Clare’s been dancing with him on the trampoline in his garden for four days straight without a break. Her head’s gone.
“Ant wants us to do a night-time parachute drop to the outskirts of the Duke and Duchess’s humble $15 million estate and covertly kidnap Harry from their discrete, sprawling mansion. I said no need, hombre; we’ll just blow bifter smoke through the letterbox and let nature take its course.
“The last thing Meghan will see is a bunch of garage forecourt daffs on her doorstep with a note saying ‘don’t wait up’. Harry’ll be on the first flight to party-town, nonsense-free. Trust me.
“England expects, ‘n’ all that!”