Number 10 Downing Street have issued an official statement declaring that, “The smell from Number 11 is well rancid. Also, Julian Lewis is a stinky poopooface.”
“Julian Lewis has been expelled from the Conservative Party for acting with what some have told me is called integrity,” said the Prime Minister. “We just can’t have that level of consideration operating so close to the top hierarchy of my Government.”
Dominic Cummings added, “This kind of behaviour will cast doubt over our intent to subvert UK democracy and put all remaining state power into the hands of private global finance, tech & data giants, and Vladimir Putin. It is critical that during this period of transition, no level of Government competence is seen, or seen to be seen.”
Former Conservative MP and Intelligence Committee Chair, Dominic Grieve, sighed, “Julian Lewis was on the Intelligence and Security Committee before I headed it up. Once Boris had shuffled me and a couple of the others out of the way, Julian became the most experienced of the Conservative seats on it by default.”
“Clearly that was not what the Prime Minister was looking for; rather to install his yes-puppy Chris Grayling, so they would be in a position to redact the remaining 14 words of the Russian interference report.”
“Of course, the Prime Minister should not be attempting to influence the members of the committee, or indeed be meddling in it in any way. So the self-serving actions of Julian Lewis voting himself in rather than voting for Chris Grayling like he was ordered to, has cancelled out the self-serving actions of the Prime Minister. It’s all rather Putin-esque, but at the same time, some of the old guard Conservatives are laughing their tits off.”
Grieve concluded, “Frankly, the Prime Minister and his Cabinet make even the most loathsome of Conservative backbenchers look like diamond geezers.”
Parliament sources confirm that Chris Grayling is holding himself together about as well as the sopping husk of a destroyed waterbed. Cowering in the fetal position in a ball-pit play area just outside Tadworth, he was heard to whimper something about not being able to send James Bond on missions or call himself ‘F’.