‘Grayling Test’ for brothels cancelled after Grayling fails to get laid

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Police have shelved plans to use Chris Grayling as an undercover operative to test whether massage parlours and similar establishments are operating as brothels.

“We decided to start with a known brothel, just to calibrate the test”, a spokesman said. “We literally stuffed his pockets with cash, but he just couldn’t get laid. We’re talking red lights in the window, neon signs saying ‘Get your sex here’, the works. Given his propensity for failing the simplest of tasks we thought we could use him as a legal standard – you know, if Grayling got laid it must be a brothel”.

Grayling was selected as a Parliamentary candidate following a rift in the space-time continuum which opened a portal into another dimension. Research is under way to try to re-open the portal so we can send him back. Under normal Conservative Party rules he wouldn’t have been selected: getting laid in brothels is one of the selection tests, with added points for weirdness like f*cking a pig’s head.

This latest disappointment – we stopped counting when it went into the hundreds – follows Grayling’s recent failure to be appointed to a job where his name had already been stencilled on the door and the stationery had been changed.

Irritated with his nickname of ‘Failing Grayling’, the MP is now understood to be considering a change by deed poll. Frontrunners include Chris Banker, Chris Prosser and Chris Upinbrewery.

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Posted: Jul 17th, 2020 by

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