In a further easing of the country’s COVID lockdown, The Prime Minister is about to announce a package of measures designed to get us to feel safe using hospitals again. Among these will be playing on the motorway, but no more than 6 families per carriageway, and not when the 50 sign comes on, and stabbing your foot with a dirty piece of wire you found on a tip.
To encourage us back on the tube, minding the gap will no longer be necessary. Instead we’ll be asked to urinate on the live rail, ride bikes down the escalators and trap small children in the doors.
Level crossing barriers and lights are to be removed to speed the flow of traffic and add an air of frisson to our journeys as we make our way back to the office. And police will have powers to imprison any motorist wearing a seatbelt or found in possession of a red triangle.