A scintilla of hope for Britain’s future has surfaced today following news that incapable buffoon Boris Johnson has reportedly managed to tie his own shoelaces.
The news comes just as the beleaguered UK had resigned itself to accepting it had chosen the biggest dud of all time to lead them through the worst crisis in living memory.
An unnamed No.10 insider said: ‘It was a Eureka moment. The PM had been fiddling with a pair of lace-up brogues, as he had made it known Velcro straps ill-befitted his perceived status as global leader.’
‘He was waiting for Carrie to come and tie them up for him “nice and tight” when suddenly he manged to fashion the lace on the right shoe into a kind of rudimentary bow. Not perfect because as soon as he stood up it unraveled and he tripped over, but nevertheless it was a bow of sorts.’
When told the news Kier Starmer was somewhat sceptical and commented: ‘You’re asking me to take quite a leap of faith with this, because knowing him as I do, I have to say it sounds rather like another fanciful spin story cooked up Dominic Cummings.’
‘If it is true then perhaps Mr Johnson will do us the courtesy of demonstrating his new-found skill during PMQs next week, although judging by his weekly performances so far I very much doubt if he’ll even manage to appear at the dispatch box with his trousers on.’