Arsehole who drinks 16 pints and hugs in pub is still washing his groceries

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Cheshire man, John Walcott, a 36 year-old landscaper and Brexit supporter, is delighted that after four months of misery caused by his ‘local’ being shut, he can resume his nightly banter with his mates, drink 16 pints of lager, kiss and hug his friends and then go home via the local curry house that stayed open even after the lockdown.

‘Washing your groceries is the best way of staving-off Covid-19 gasped Walcott from his A&E bed in Chester’s main hospital. I think I might have caught the disease because I touched a tree that might have been touched by an infected Chinaman or Italian in April, so why it’s taken three months for it to hit me is a mystery… perhaps it lasts on hard surfaces for longer than the government thinks, or perhaps I have natural antibodies which meant it took so long to get a grip on me? I wish I’d washed that bloody tree.’

Grocery washing and disinfecting has become a popular pastime for up to 90% of the nation’s arseholes who flout any form of social distancing. ‘I always wear a mask when washing my shopping’ said Doris Blanchford from Norfolk when interviewed two weeks ago ‘You just don’t know who might have touched your sausages, so the mask will protect you in case any virus particles attack you during the washing process. It means I can still go to my local illegally operating bingo hall with a sense of freedom’. ‘Doris’s friends all agreed with her and will be shouting ‘Two fat ladies’ at her funeral service next week, added local vicar Rev. Tom life.’

Health secretary Matt Hancock commented that the ‘Sad cases of John and Doris demonstrate the need to wash your shopping with great care, but you also need to stay within the rules and obey social distancing. And that’s a message I will re-iterate tonight during the lock-in in my local pub.’

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Posted: Jul 19th, 2020 by

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